It took a little longer than normal for my cycle to resume. Since it was the first one since my surgery, it was suggested that we skip that cycle and wait for the next one. My original Dr was back from her maternity leave but the new Dr suggested that we stick with her as she joked that she would have more time for us given that our old Dr. was busy with a newborn. We honestly liked both so we were fine with that.
The first night of shots coincided with the Patriots Superbowl and my 35th birthday.
While I was eager to finally be “doing something” and taking steps forward, the strong optimistic, hopeful woman who embraced the first IVF cycle was replaced with a terrified, exhausted, and sad girl. I was devastated that I was experiencing another trip around the sun without a baby. I went through the motions but every shot brought stinging, bloating, and tears.
(picture by @infertilityillustrated)
Knowing that we were sending our embryos for genetic testing, and would have time off, Jeff booked a trip the week of retrieval (and my April school vacation) for Napa. Jeff was amazing at lifting my spirits by giving me something to look forward to while we awaited results. (If I havn’t mentioned it before, I am extremely grateful for the man that I married. He continues to amaze me with the love and support that he gives me each and every day. His strength is what keeps me going, especially during this IVF cycle.)
We made it through another 12 days of “stims”. This time my protocol consisted of 450 units of follistim, 75 Menopur, and Cetrotide.
The day of the egg retrieval the doctor on call (not one of my 2) told me that my body did not respond to the medication as well as they would have liked and he was not confident that we would have any embryos make it to day 5 for testing.
He advised me to start taking progesterone suppositories in the event that they had to do a day 3 transfer of an embryo. My heart sank. I have done my research and I know that the odds of a day 3 embryo leading to a viable pregnancy are slim compared to a day 5 transfer. This plan was the equivalent of a “Hail Mary”. I remember laying on the operating table and saying a prayer out loud for the Dr., anesthesiologist, embryologist, and several nurses to hear.
Once I was brought out into recovery, I looked down and my hand and saw that the Dr. had written the number 9! We had 9 eggs retrieved, this was such a confidence boost because the first cycle produced 10 eggs, which gave us 2 healthy embryos! We now had the belief that the same great results were possible! “Wont Back Down” was even playing on the radio on our drive home! What a sign!
The next day, we made the phone call to the lab and they informed us that only 6 eggs were mature and only 5 fertilized. Unfortunately, there was still a chance that we would have to take our chances of implanting on day 3. Replace joy with fear.
The night before our scheduled trip (Day 2), we were unsure whether we were going to be spending the next few days in Napa drinking wine, or staying home “PUPO” (pregnant until proven otherwise). We did our best to mentally prepare for either scenario. At 3:00pm, the doctor called to tell us that all 5 embryos were progressing so they were going to take our chances and allow them to grow to day 5. We left for our vacation full of excitement. We called the lab on Day 4 to check on their progress and all seemed to be growing ok. Although they were not quite ready on day 5, they were optimistic they would become blastocysts on day 6. We woke up to a phone call in Napa the next morning telling us that only 1 embryo made it to blastocyst. Knowing that the research indicates a 50% possibility of being normal, there was a 50% chance that the entire cycle could be a fail. Best case scenario, it was normal but we would still need to face the reality of doing a third IVF cycle. Defeat. I remember laying in the bed crying for a few extra hours that day and Jeff just hugged me. Eventually Jeff peeled me from the covers and we went to drink our sorrows away at several different wineries.
“There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what you’re sayin’.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.”
Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd
breakdown and rally 