Once again, Jeff and I did not want to risk traffic, and we decided to turn our lemons into lemonade by going up to Boston the night before for a date night. The hotels have increased pricing again so we found ourselves staying at Hotel Indigo. Once we checked in, I started looking through my binder of paperwork (this initially started as a folder but after 3 years it slowly transitioned into a binder that barely closes). Although we never wanted to know the gender of the embryos that we had transferred and lost, we decided that we would peak at that paperwork now because we needed some closure on those chapters: 3 girls and 1 boy. I cried and Jeff comforted me. Although they never made it earthside, I know that someday these babies will be waiting for us in heaven.
When we arrived at the waiting room of the clinic the next morning, I was beyond eager to hear from this expert who women raved about. I wanted to pop the Valium immediately, but Jeff kept advising that I should wait because we had no way of knowing how long it would be until the actual procedure started. I rolled the dice and popped it anyway.
We were called in by the Physician’s Assistant, who walked us into a small office, and asked me to tell her why we were there. I described the last three years of shattered dreams and failures with detail, and probably for the first time ever I could say it all without crying. When I finished, she asked me if I was in the medical field, and when I replied, “No,” she was shocked. She stated that I was incredibly thorough and knowledgeable, and able to articulate our case in a professional way. I guess all of the loss we have experienced strengthened me in ways that I never could have imagined.
“The night is my companion
And the highway is my home
Got me seeking for one last beacon
Every single place I roam
They say Jesus was a poor man
I guess I wish I had a little more him in me
Make it easier going on living
Heartache and misery
Sweet, sweet heart of mine I’m going to break again a million times
Is this true or gone
Have you turned to stone?”
Have you turned to stone by Whiskey Myers
breakdown and rally 