“Infertility is an emotional roller coaster.” I read this many times in my research but I could never have anticipated that the emotional pain would far exceed the physical pain.
During a cycle you feel excited, hopeful, and have the illusion of control as you are the one responsible for injecting medication (or in my case, my husband). As you lay on the table for egg retrieval, every ounce of that control disappears with each slow drip of anesthesia. You are completely helpless and any results that you have are a combination of science and God.
The waiting between cycles, or in this case between surgery, is AWFUL. There is absolutely nothing that you can do to start your family any quicker. You are helpless, and left only to “take it on faith”.
Jeff and I took a trip to Nashville with 2 of our dearest friends. This proved to be food for my soul as I belly-laughed the entire time and started to feel like myself again. Jeff also managed to book us an AirBnB in a sketchy neighborhood somewhere so that provided us with hours of entertainment.
I am so thankful for these friends and the way that they love and support us in the wait.
To prepare for surgery I was ordered to get FDA virals (6-8 vials of blood in the event that I will need a gestational surrogate) and sign a consent form authorizing the oncologist to remove my ovaries and/or perform a hysterectomy if he finds cancer. Tears fell down my cheeks as I signed that paperwork, and I was terrified that it could become my reality. However, we had to trust that they knew what they were doing. We were scared, but faithful.
The day of surgery, Jeff did everything he could to keep a smile on my face. (including taking silly snapchats)
I came out of surgery and the Dr. informed me that in removing the cyst, he also had to remove my right ovary because the cyst had taken over and there were no viable eggs coming from that side. Could that be the reason for my diminished reserve?
The pain after the surgery was intense. Every time I moved, it felt like my stomach was ripping apart. I had to sleep on the downstairs recliner for about a week and Jeff was the perfect nurse. During the healing process, I watched the entire season of Mad Men (great show!).
What seemed like an eternity, was actually only two weeks that we had to wait for the biopsy results.
Benign! (Thank God!) We left the appointment crying happy tears and hugging in the hallway.
It took me about 3 full weeks to completely heal from the surgery and begin the journey towards IVF #2.
“The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part”
Waiting by Tom Petty
breakdown and rally 