While we now know we have 3 embryos waiting to come home, we have been advised that each one only offers a 50-70% chance of implanting, so we should continue to preserve my fertility now before my egg quality declines even more. Our personal goal is to have four embryos (we think that will give us the best chance of hopefully having 2 children), so we head into this cycle optimistic and hoping for just one more.
The week before injections begin, my brother came by to tell us that he and his girlfriend were pregnant. In the spirit of transparency, I felt the floor open up beneath me. (Note: Every pregnancy announcement stings, as it is a reminder that others dreams and prayers are being answered while we are being told to wait. It hurts. However, you can be happy for others while still being sad for yourself – just like those of you reading this with children may feel joy for yourself, and sadness for us). I would be lying if I said that it didn’t catch me off guard.
This announcement felt different though, as it was unexpected and close to home. During the season of waiting, you start to anticipate where announcements may come from in order to protect your heart. You know what weddings you attend and you guess who has been trying and where the “we are pregnant” moments could happen. Every time you see and/or hear from those you suspect, it almost feels like you are winding the wheel of a jack-in-the-box, just waiting for the “pregnancy bomb” to pop out at you. When you are able to anticipate the surprise, you can shield yourself from the shock. In this case, I did not see it coming and I wasn’t quite prepared.
When you start planning for a family, you also imagine all the experiences that come along with pregnancy (the fun of trying, the privacy of being able to conceive in a bedroom, the excitement of sharing the news with your husband after peeing on a stick, selecting baby names, the Facebook announcement, etc.). Infertility has stolen all of those things from us. There is no fun in IVF. There is no privacy (doctors, nurses, residents, and oncologists have seen more of my junk this year than my own husband), and after 2 years of no baby, it is pretty obvious that we are trying – even to those that we don’t confide in. There is nothing that I can tell Jeff that he doesn’t already know (although Jeff will try and convince me that calling the lab every day for embryo progress is just as exciting). Yet, in our waiting, I always looked forward to the moment that I got to tell our parents that they would be grandparents. As every other aspect of our family planning was stolen away from us, this seemed like the one thing left I could hold on to. I don’t know why, but I guess it was something that could resemble a “normal” pregnancy.
I was a zombie the next day, grieving yet another thing that infertility has stolen from us, and then I decided to go and talk to my parents. I went to their house and just cried. I hugged my father and I sobbed. At that moment, I realized that they too could be happy and sad at the same time. Happy for my brother and his girlfriend and happy to become grandparents, yet sad for my husband and I. I realized that although every baby was a blessing, this baby presented a unique situation to our family, and not for one minute did I ever want my sadness for myself to ruin a moment of joy for anyone else, especially my family. I went to talk to my brother’s girlfriend that night and we laughed, cried, and hugged our way through the conversation. She gave me grace for expressing my feelings, and I honestly do not know if there is another woman on this planet who could have handled the situation with as much respect, love, and maturity as she did. She truly is an amazing person, and I am so very thankful that she will be the mother of my niece/nephew.
I know that others who learned of my infertility and my brother’s pregnancy, felt uncomfortable asking me about it. However, the truth was that I was very excited to become an aunt, and I looked forward to having a baby in our family. When that day comes, I will love him/her with my whole heart. I pray (and I know my brother and his girlfriend pray too) that their baby will have a cousin someday soon.
“Face down in the desert now there’s a cage locked around my heart
I found a way to drop the keys where my failures were
Now my hands can’t reach that far
I ain’t made for a rivalry, I could never take the world alone
I know that in my weakness I am stronger
It’s your love that brings me home
Brother let me be your shelter
I’ll never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home
Brother let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call When your feeling low”
Need to Breathe by Gavin Degraw and
IVF 3
The meds arrived and I was ready to go! I no longer needed Jeff to dismantle the boxes, because I was a badass and could do it myself! I am sick of this IVF roller coaster and I am ready for it to end.
225 Menopur, 225 Follistim, and Cetrotide.
My body responded well to this cycle and we had such high expectations. During the 2 weeks of stims, the ultrasounds indicated that I had 12 measurable follicles and my E2 level was 2193. They decided to have us “stim” 13 days, and then the HcG shot!
April 30th: 14 eggs! Even the doctor who is always so serious was playful with Jeff in making him guess how many.
breakdown and rally 