As I continued to be angry with, and pull away from God, Jeff insisted that we look towards him. We began our faithful weekly ritual of attending mass and praying for answers. Each week I begged for the answer to the question: “Why me?” One week I prayed for a sign of how to proceed. We desperately wanted to start a family but I have a huge fear of needles and I am terrified and confused as to how things changed so quickly for us. At one point on this path I told Jeff “I will do anything but needles to build our family”.
While pulling out of the parking lot that Sunday morning, we felt God was giving us a sign. The song “Won’t Back Down” was on the radio and we instantly knew what we had to do. I struggled with going down the path of IVF, knowing that it was against the beliefs of the church. Yet my mind kept returning to a story that I once heard:
A man was on a roof while the town was flooding. He prayed for God to save him. A small boat came by and a passerby told him to get in. He declined and said that God would save him. Another boat came and he declined. The flood rose, the man died and when he asked him why he didn’t save him, God said, “I sent three boats.”
Maybe IVF was our boat. We decided this would be our next step. I can manage one cycle with a few shots (with Jeff injecting them!), how hard could it be!? If we want a family, this is what I have to do.
In an attempt to let a few people in on our secret, we would mention IVF and the majority of responses were comments about excitement, twins, and knowing others who had success on the first try. Jeff and I were hopeful that this was the answer to our prayers and we could finally start our family.
While returning to the fertility clinic to sign paperwork, the Dr. said that I should have an MRI done of my dermoid cyst to rule out any potential complications. I scheduled an appointment the following week, and awaited the results. I was leaving work one day as I got the phone call from the doctor herself. She indicated that the MRI results concluded it was not a dermoid cyst on my ovary, and they could not determine what the mass was. She referred me to the Woman and Infants Oncology department. This cycle of IVF was put on hold as I had to wait for an appointment, and agonize about what this meant for my body and my health.
After weeks of re-playing different scenarios in our heads, my appointment finally came. Insert our male oncologist and his male intern. When they asked me to strip down, Jeff said “Is it more awkward if stay in the room while 2 guys look at my wife or if I stand in the hallway”. Valid point Jeff. 🙂
After the visit, my scans and blood work was sent for analysis to the tumor board. My doctor said that they reviewed the pathology and that they are also unsure what it could be. Although probably unlikely, the cyst could be or has the potential to become cancerous so it needs to come out prior to having a baby. We mentioned our IVF plan and he determined that preserving my fertility through egg retrieval was a good idea because in the event that it was cancer, he would do a full hysterectomy and I would lose all reproductive potential. Any anxiety that we had about IVF was now replaced with pure fear about what kind of mass was on my ovary.
Back to the fertility clinic – We meet with the nursing staff to create our IVF plan, sign consent forms, and learn how to order and inject medication. We have phone consults scheduled with a financial coordinator about payment options. (more on the financial aspect later)
Since I am a bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding, I need to delay my start date by taking an extra week of medication. There is a possibility that my egg retrieval would fall on the date of the wedding and what possible excuse could I offer up for skipping such an important day. Postponing the process even more was frustrating but with the help of Tom Petty, we were motivated to stand our ground and not back down.
“Well, I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down
No, I’ll stand my ground
Won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground
And I won’t back down
Hey Baby, there ain’t no easy way out”
Won’t Back Down by Tom Petty
breakdown and rally 