We decided not to test at home using hpt’s because we didn’t want to stress about seeing a line and watching it get darker. We were so sure this was our time, we just knew it was going to work out.
I was in the middle of a therapy appointment when I received the phone call that my worst nightmare had come true:
Beta was negative.
The embryo did not implant.
No viable pregnancy.
Stop taking medications. Come back in two weeks for a follow up appointment.
How do I share the news with my husband that once again, I can’t make him a father? How do I stomach the fact that my body is failing me, failing him, and failing all the plans we had for our future? Our hearts shattered on the floor. Grief floods over me and steals every ounce of joy that I worked so hard to restore over the past month. I want to know why God is doing this to me.
Then the phone rings. It is my dear friend (not my oldest friend, not my closest friend, but an angel that God sent to me during this critical point of my life for support. She is going through a heart wrenching chapter in her life, and we have been able to bond over our struggles. Although different situations, she has been able to see me, see my pain, and just empathize). I mention that I am struggling with my faith and I asked her how she does not get angry with God. She said it is not God who does this to you, but he is how you will get through it. I know that God put her in my life to help me and made her pick up the phone on that day at that exact time to call me.
“I’m so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So
Thy will be done”
Thy Will by Hillary Scott
breakdown and rally 