We were fortunate enough to have some friends in LA that asked us to house sit for them around this time. It was the perfect secluded getaway for us to be alone and process this loss.
Remember that Kate Spade diaper bag that I bought 2 years ago? Well I decided to pull it out of the closet and use it as my carry-on for a trip to LA. #fuckinfertility
They have the most lovable dog named Lexi, who was full of cuddles and helped heal my heart during this time.
When you are infertile, you live on hope, yet you are constantly subjected to the loss of that hope. I began researching recurrent pregnancy loss, testing that has yet to be done on me, called the doctor and advocated for what I know my next steps need to be. I was on a mission to get more testing done to figure out why a perfectly good embryo did not implant in a perfectly good uterus. I called the nurses and demanded testing ASAP and to move up my follow up appointment with the Dr to minimize the waiting. They agreed to a ERA (endometrial receptivity assay) test, uterine biopsy, and a RPL (Recurrent Pregnancy Loss) Panel. They also moved up my appointment a week early with the Dr. !
Although Jeff has been to every single monitoring appointment, and every single visit to the clinic, (with the exception of a handful he was out of state for) he happened to be on another business trip when I went in to meet with the Dr. The RPL blood panel came back negative and I do not have anything to be concerned about in that department.
She told me that I had to skip this July cycle because I did not start taking estrogen in time, then do an ERA cycle in August, and transfer in September. I burst into tears. Why was there a lack of communication between the nurse and the Dr?! They knew I wanted the testing right away, yet they failed to inform me that the testing required me to take estrogen pills! They cost me 4 weeks of waiting, when there was no need for it. Waiting truly is the hardest part. On this journey, every week, every day, every minute feels like eternity.
When you hear of IVF you hear stories of twins, or it working on the first try. Yet here we are hoping for a transfer over ONE YEAR from the date that we walked into our fertility clinic, and TWO years from when we started trying on our honeymoon. Every painful emotion from the last few years of infertility comes flooding back. I remember every hurt, every sting.
“Every little thing
I remember every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Of every little thing”
Every Little Thing by Carly Pierce
Given the circumstances, Jeff booked a last minute trip to Bermuda to celebrate our second wedding anniversary. Time to break out the baby-less diaper bag again. #fuckinfertility
breakdown and rally 