We decided to test using HPT this time in order to mentally prepare ourselves for the results. The pure devastation of having the nurse call and shatter our hearts with one phone call was too much to bear last time. I think that if I can see/not see a line, then maybe I can avoid falling down into a deep dark hole of sadness again.
6dp5dt (six days past a five day transfer) : Negative, but some say that it is too early to test.
7dp5dt: Negative, but I have a few spots of brown blood which could mean implantation bleeding. Fingers crossed.
8dp5dt: Negative.
9dp5dt: Negative.
10dp5dt: Negative.
I start each morning knowing that it hasn’t worked, spend the day googling stories of women who had “late implantation,” lay awake at night with a glimmer of hope, and wake up the next morning only to test negative again. So what is worse: having your heart crushed all at once by a phone call or waking up every day with an ounce of hope, disappointment, spending the day putting yourself back together again, only to have it happen again the next day? I honestly don’t know.
Official Beta Blood Test: Negative
My hopes and dreams have been slowly ripped away over the past two years, while I watch them come true for everyone else around me. Why does it happen so easily for others? I am a spectator for others’ joy, while I wait on the bleachers trying to figure out if I will ever be qualified to suit up and sit on the sidelines, let alone have the privilege to play. My hopes and dreams of starting a family have slowly dwindled over time. The conversation of “when we have kids” has now shifted to “if we have kids.” I pray constantly. Not the cute praying where you lay in bed and make a few wishes with your hands folded in obedience. The ugly kind of praying, where you cry, drop to your knees, tears soak your shirt, your fists grasp the sheets, and your screams echo through the walls. The kind of praying that begs for mercy on your broken heart. I beg and plead with God to give me a sign if I am supposed to tread through more heartache, or if I am not worthy of being a mom and should just give up. What have I done in my life that would cause me to have to endure this much pain?
“Please have mercy on me
Take it easy on my heart
Even though you don’t mean to hurt me
You keep tearing me apart
Would you please have mercy on me
I’m a puppet on your string
And even though you got good intentions
I need you to set me free
Would you please have mercy, mercy on my heart
Would you please have mercy, mercy on my heart”
Mercy by Shawn Mendez
breakdown and rally 