The doctor called to let us know that she consulted with the team, and they all feel as though we “should be pregnant by now” (umm…..me too! *eye roll*). Is that seriously what the razor sharp team of reproductive endocrinologists have for us?!
The PGS testing indicates that we are transferring chromosomally normal embryos. All of the testing that has been done to me indicates that there is nothing wrong, yet…here we are.
While we could go ahead and do a hysteroscopy, there really is no evidence that would give us any more information. She believes that we just have “bad luck,” and recommends doing another transfer. So we sit, waiting for my cycle to start (which should have been day 28).
Meanwhile,
We welcomed our beautiful niece, Emma, into the world and she is absolutely perfect in every single way.
We went to Game 1 of the World Series at Fenway Park (Red Sox!!!) and we bought Emma a World Series onesie! The entire experience was amazing and one that I will always remember!
We focused on some house projects. I realized that my cycle was a few days late so I decided to take a HPT test. (Did I really think I would be one of those make believe stories about someone’s “cousin’s, friend’s, sister who had failed IVF and then got pregnant naturally?” NO! But I thought maybe it would be another chemical pregnancy (early miscarriage) and that was worth knowing.) So we waited, and waited….
and it was blank. I am so NOT pregnant, that I didn’t even get a control line! (At some point you have to laugh because how does this stuff seriously happen to me?!)
A couple days go by and still no AF so I take another test – negative. So, I am not pregnant, but I am 7 days late, which delays the next transfer. Keep the punches coming.
Meanwhile, I have started seeing my third therapist. I could say it is helping a little, but I have 27 months worth of pain, heartache, trauma, bitterness, anger, grief, and guilt to shuffle through, so I would say I have a lot of work to do.
I have been trying to spend some time with and reach out to those friends that I find comforting, and that has helped. I managed to laugh a bit, and though they might not realize it, they are helping me find myself again.
I don’t quite know if I will ever be the same person that I was before, I can’t quite see how I could be. Infertility has changed me, both good and bad.
While I may have pain to work through, I now do a better job of recognizing pain in others. I know I have a long way to go, but I am certainly trying to build a better boat.
“I smile more despite the pain
I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain’t working, what’s still hurtin’
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can’t control
I’m learning how to build a better boat
I hate waiting, ain’t no patience in these hands
I’m not complaining, sometimes it’s hard to change a man
I think I’m stronger than I was, I let God do what he does
I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain’t working, what’s still hurtin’
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can’t control
I’m learning how to build a better boat”
Better Boat by Kenny Chesney
breakdown and rally 