Today was my birthday, and I woke up in the morning to Jeff standing above me with a birthday cupcake and a candle and I make a wish (Spoiler alert: it is the same birthday wish I have made for 3 years.)
I go to the bathroom and pee on a HPT.
Negative.
Just like that, it is over. I yell down to Jeff and break the bad news. He tries to convince me to call out of work, but I know that being at home will be even more difficult. I am better off going in and keeping my mind busy.
I drive to school with tears, sit in my car in the parking lot long enough to wipe them dry for the walk up the hall, open my classroom door and exhale the breath I was holding on the way up. Emotional breakdown on my desk, and rally at 8:30 when the bell rings to let students in.
Although I did not hear it, I know that they announced my birthday on the loudspeaker that morning because I was receiving many birthday wishes from colleagues. Normally, that would make me smile, but today… every mention of my birthday was like a dagger to my heart. I received so many sweet text messages, but I just could not respond in a way that made sense to me. I was grieving on my 36th birthday, and it was anything but happy.
Somehow, I made it through the day, and Jeff decided to take me out to dinner at Meritage. We discussed the fact that we have been here before, and we are able to handle this loss in a better way because we know what to expect. We had some in-depth conversations about our next steps and I enjoyed the most delicious glass of wine.
With this man by my side, I know we can get through anything. We went to bed sad, but thankful for each other.
“You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be”
Tell your heart to beat again by Danny Gokey
https://youtu.be/F77v41jbOYs&end=44s
breakdown and rally 