Tuesday the 5th we went to the clinic for an early morning blood draw. Even though we had tested at home, we had to still make it official. My most favorite receptionist gave me a look to say, “How are you doing?” and I just shook my head. She always tells me that she lights a candle for us, is thinking of us, and we just love her. I also inform her that I would like to switch Drs at the clinic. While I like my Dr, we are now 0 for 4, so we think that we need a change. The rest of the day was a struggle, but I am strong. I didn’t know that about myself before, but I know that now. Jeff and I are two of the most badass people I have ever known. We have endured SO much, and we can get through anything.
I had some of the sweetest teacher friends send me a plant that was delivered by two of my most favorite students. It brought tears to my eyes, and made my heart smile knowing that I have people thinking of me during my darkest hours. The past year has truly been the absolute worst time in my life. But I will be forever grateful to the ladies that keep showing up for me and praying for me.
At the end of the day, I get a phone call from the clinic letting me know that our hcg number doubled! It was 73! I said, “Wait..what did you say?!” She repeated herself and tears of joy fell down my cheeks. We have to go back again in two more days and make sure it doubles again! But…WE ARE PREGNANT!!!! Jeff picked me up at school because we had plans with his parents for dinner. As I sat down in the car I asked him “what do we always say about this process?” He responded “expect the unexpected”. I shook my head in agreement and told him our numbers doubled!
Thursday the 7th we went in for early morning blood draws. I joke with the receptionist about how wrong I was, and how this embryo must be a fighter. She called it “the little embryo that could.” That afternoon, Jeff took the phone call at the end of the day because I had a meeting. 164! It more than doubled!! The clinic is happy with that, and we go back in next Thursday for another blood draw, and then the following Friday for our first ultrasound! This is really happening!
Friday the 8th I woke up and tested again…still positive and it’s getting darker! OMG!!!
Saturday the 9th we did not test because Jeff had planned a little birthday celebration with my family and a few friends (escape room- which I LOVE, and pizza). We had such a fun day, and were busting at the seems to just scream the good news from the rooftops…but we couldn’t. We have waited so long for this moment, and we want to surprise the people we love around us at the right time.
Sunday the 10th Still positive!!! We went to church, and Jeff pointed out the lyrics to one of the songs.
“Lord on the day that I called for help, you answered me”
We couldn’t help but smile and tear up just knowing that God has finally answered our prayer. We don’t care about what we have been through, we don’t care about the time that he took or the shots, medicine, surgery, scars, disappointment. All we care about is that we are finally pregnant.
Monday the 11th Still Pregnant!!!!
Tuesday the 12th We lay on the couch together and can’t believe that it is finally happening! Every moment of pain was worth it.
Wednesday the 13th The line is getting even darker!
Thursday the 14th Valentine’s has the darkest line yet!
We go in for our early morning blood draw and I smile at our receptionist. I told her we’re still testing strong, and it’s looking like our miracle is finally here!
I was full of excitement all day long, and couldn’t help but think that next Valentines Day, we will have our baby! That afternoon, I received the phone call while I was watching my Kindergarten class perform a hoedown dance for their families. I left the crowded gymnasium, and snuck into a dark and quiet classroom. The nurse informed me that the beta only went up to 944. While it is still rising, they would have liked to see 1200 by now. They want us to come in the following day for another beta and an ultrasound, to determine if it’s a viable pregnancy, ectopic pregnancy, or a miscarriage. My heart sank to the floor, and I sank down to the floor of the empty classroom crying, hugging my knees. How could that be?! The test line was so dark?! I thought for sure the beta was going to drastically rise. We have been pregnant for 2 weeks. We have a euploid (normal) embryo inside a “perfect uterus,” so the chances of a miscarriage are 10%. The chances of an ectopic are 2%. I rush to my classroom and start putting together sub plans for the next day. Jeff Ubers to me so that we can hug, and I don’t have to drive home alone. (Have I mentioned how incredibly blessed I am to have him?!) We decided to stop for dinner at a restaurant close by, and the conversation was minimal. What could we possibly say? We ate, we were somber, and we kept trying to understand “why” and “how”.
Friday the 15th the hpt is still testing positive.
Maybe, just maybe…there is still some hope. We head into the clinic and my favorite receptionist is there to greet me. You can see the tears starting to form in her eyes. She hands me the paperwork to sign, and gets up from her desk to come around and give me a hug. It was so nice to have a comforting embrace during this stressful moment. My blood gets drawn, and they call us in for the ultrasound. It was our initial Dr. (the one we were going to switch back to last week). She lets us know that she sees a gestational sac, but cannot see a yolk sac. This could be because it is too early, or it could be that the pregnancy just stopped, or it could be that it is an ectopic. Most likely, she feels as though it’s a miscarriage. At this time, our current Dr. walks in to see us, reminds us that we are still a team, and that they are all still here to help us. She offers up a hug and the other Dr. follows. That afternoon, the Dr. called to let us know that the hcg went up to 1116. We will see how it progresses over the weekend, and go back Sunday morning for another blood draw. We feel tortured by the stress and the unknown of living in “beta hell.” How do we just go about our weekend not knowing if there is a baby living or dying in my body?
Saturday the 16th The hpt test is still reading as positive, so we are still holding out some small amount of hope.
We don’t have much energy to do anything, so we spend the day watching episodes of “The Office” for some laughs, and we head to 5:00 mass. I pray to God for a miracle, but let him know that if this isn’t going to happen for us, to please just end this quickly , because I just don’t know how much more we can take.
Sunday the 17th we head to the clinic for an early morning blood draw. At this point, my veins are destroyed. I have a blood blister on the right side and a bruise on the left. I place both my arms on the armrests, lean back and close my eyes and tell her choose the arm that she thinks will work the best. Thankfully, the woman chose the left side and did a great job (phew). Jeff had a game dinner that day, so I just sat around updating this blog and waiting for the phone call. Around 2:00, the Dr. called, and the hcg level plateaued at 1200. We were instructed to come back tomorrow morning for a manual vacuum aspiration (MVA).
*(“MVA is as effective as conventional dilatation and curettage for treatment of early pregnancy failure while it causes less blood loss, is less time consuming, requires a shorter hospital stay and thus costs less.)
Devastation.
“Would you know my name? If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
‘Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven
Would you hold my hand if I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand if I saw you in heaven?
I’ll find my way through night and day
‘Cause i know I just can’t stay here in heaven
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please”
Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton
breakdown and rally 