I fully realized that I needed to take time to grieve this loss. But the reality was that grief was with me every single second of every single day. It did not matter if I sat in silence for a few days, it would still be with me when I got out of bed tomorrow. Time would not heal the emptiness that I feel in my heart from the babies that we continued to hope, pray, work and plan for, that never came.
And while I have never been the person to say, “My biological clock is ticking,” the honest reality is that it was. I was 36 and Jeff was 42.
We had many heavy conversations about “Where do we go from here?”
Conversations that most couples have the privilege of never having to experience.
Do we stop? While that may seem like an obvious possibility to some, we had to acknowledge that the idea of living without children seemed much more painful than any shot, procedure, or heartache. We discussed this, but we honestly were not ready to face that possibility and didn’t know if we ever would be.
“Just Adopt”
We get this all of the time.
Person: “Have you considered adoption?” or, “Why don’t you just adopt?”
My thoughts: “I don’t know ____, why don’t you?! Did you want to have children with your own genetics? Did you want to see whose eyes they had, or whose personality they take after? Well so don’t we.”
Adoption is a beautiful way to build a family…for those who choose that path. It is not just reserved for those who are having challenges. Someday we may choose to adopt. Heck, we talked about the possibility of doing that before we were married. But adoption is expensive. It can take up to 3-5 years to be matched with an expectant mom, and can cost around $30,000. There is also no guarantee that the adoption will go through. I have followed blogs of women who have been expecting for months, signed paperwork, witnessed the birth, put names on birth certificates, made medical decisions for 3 days while being called mom and dad by medical staff, only to have the birth mom change her mind and they return home empty handed. Maybe someday we will have the strength to consider this path, but that time is not now.
Continue with Original clinic because “At least you got pregnant.” Yes, it was very exciting that we finally saw 2 pink lines. But quite honestly, that pain was way worse. We believed it was finally our time, and then it was ripped away. If we get pregnant again, at what point do we get excited? Seven weeks? Ten? Sixteen? That said, we were glad we got a little further than before, but how many times can we continue doing the same thing and expecting different results? That is the definition of insanity. I loved them, and I knew they were hurting with us, and trying their best, but I was uncertain if they had any other tricks up their sleeves at that point. We had a wtf appointment the following week, so we planned on hearing about what they had say.
Boston IVF had given us a second opinion back in December about using a natural frozen transfer cycle as opposed to a medicated one. We considered this option at the time and ultimately choose W&I medicated “donor egg” protocol. However, given that this one started to work on the meds, I didn’t know if a natural one was the right option. We had an appointment the following week to talk about possibly switching clinics, but I needed to hear more information. This was no longer a routine case of IVF, this was a 2 hour series finale of “Grey’s Anatomy” or ”House,” and I needed a Dr. who would treat it as such.
A Gestational Carrier was something I had been researching. Obviously any woman desires, and assumes, that they will be able to carry their own baby so any thought of not being able to do that is a loss. I would not be able to feel our baby kick, I would not be able to look at my husbands face as he puts his hand on my belly to feel the baby kick, I could not breastfeed. I would grieve all of this. However, I feel as though I can let go of those desires if it means bringing our baby home. It is a loss, but one that will bring us our miracle. The average cost is between $100,000-120,000. I asked Jeff if we could fundraise some money in order to consider that a possibility. I thought about renting a hall (I love planning parties) and selling tickets. $50/person and we can have food and maybe get our friend Jess to DJ for us – what a great idea! I am sure we could get 100 people to come! “Great”, Jeff said. “100 people at $50/person would be $5,000, and then subtract the cost of food. We might net $3,000.” Unless, we throw a fundraiser every Saturday for a year, this does not seem like a possibility at this moment.
Dr. Braverman in NY is a strong contender right now. He is one of 3 doctors in the country who believes in immunological factors affecting pregnancy.
He said he sees cases like ours all of the time where the woman has silent endometriosis that causes lower egg quality, and PGS (genetically screened) embryos do not implant and/or cause early miscarriage. This sounds like hope but it also comes at a high cost. $3,000 for the initial blood work (which is 20+ vials of blood in one sitting), a six week wait for results, then a diagnostic laparoscopic surgery to POSSIBLY discover something. From that point, I will take at least a month to recover, before going through a six week protocol to retrieve better quality eggs, to wait a month, then to transfer back. The transfer protocol usually involves weekly intralipids and/or iViG (blood infusion). So, the absolute soonest chance we have at being pregnant is sometime at the end of 2019, and we started trying in the middle of 2016. Let that sink in. Not to mention, ALL of this would be OUT OF POCKET! (Now I have no right to complain about that, since the majority of infertile women have ZERO coverage for anything, and have to sell their homes and arrange fundraisers, and we have already had insurance cover more than $150,000 worth of stuff.) However, I do complain because 7 out of 8 women pay $0 to have a baby, and we are already in it for $16,000. Call me a bitter Betty, but it’s bullshit. The idea of adding another $15,000 for the hope that something can be found is scary.
We continued to talk about every scenario, and each one was a top contender for our next steps at different moments of the day. When this process began, I felt like we were in the passenger seats, while the doctors drove the bus for us. Now it felt like Jeff and I were in the driver’s seat, with many doctors shouting suggestions of where to turn, and we have no idea who to listen to. I have never even been good at choosing where to go for dinner so having to make a life decision as heavy as this is difficult. The right decision is the one that works. The wrong decision is the one that doesn’t. The only way of finding out is to make a choice, cross your fingers, and pray that it doesn’t add anymore emotional scars or weight on our already burdened hearts.
“I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know (ooh oh)
You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe“
You say by Lauren Daigle
breakdown and rally 