We had been testing at home using hpt and we were getting negatives. We knew the embryo failed to implant again but we still had to do the PIO shots ‘just in case’.
We walked into the clinic on the morning of the 29th and the tears cascaded down my cheeks. The receptionist gave me a look of empathy and I took my paperwork to the back room. Once the blood was drawn, I could not hold it in anymore. The flood gates opened and I sobbed out loud as Jeff put his arm around me and guided me out of the waiting room, through the lobby. Two nurses and two receptionists were standing behind the desk watching us and crying with us. The pain in our eyes and the breaks in our hearts were obvious to everyone. How is this happening?
a miscarriage, a chemical pregnancy, a cancer scare, and three failed transfers?! How is it possible that we have to endure this much pain?! Why us?
The next day, I cry on the way to work, wipe my tears and compose myself to get out of the car, bite my quivering lip as I take the long walk up the hallway, enter my classroom and the tears burst out of eyes uncontrollably. I only have a few minutes to breakdown before my Kindergarten students walk in so I have to find the strength to rally. I don’t rally because I am strong, I rally because I don’t have a choice. I have to go to work every day. I have to find a way to get through the day because even though my entire world has stopped, the rest of the world continues on.
This pattern becomes my life for the next few weeks. Breakdown. Rally. Repeat.
Jeff and I have a few conversations about next steps and we decide to get a second opinion from Boston IVF, and a third opinion from a Dr. Braverman in NYC.
Because every single call is a chance
To realize we’re dependent
On the fate of our circumstance
We’ve been living minute to minute
We’ve been holding on to every breath
Somehow our hearts are still in it
But all our innocence has left
And I’ll ride it out with you
We won’t be riding highs and lows
Like tides of ocean blue
We won’t be here forever
Just a moment then we’re through
We can’t be shifting with the sands
Like seasons always do
Like seasons always do
For us to pick up our things and go
But even when we climbed up the mountain
We knew that we had nowhere to go”
breakdown and rally 