The ten day wait from clinic to OB appointment seemed like an eternity because I kept dreading the thought that the baby would just disappear. The day finally arrived, and after a 45 minute wait, they called us into the room and immediately asked us to sign consents for delivery. The nurse handed me a booklet on pregnancy and said, “You look nervous, are you okay?” I burst into tears and begged, “I’m terrified! Can we just have an ultrasound to make sure the baby is still there?” The nurse said that we did not have one scheduled, and Jeff told her we needed one. She said they would try to get me in this week, and Jeff said, “No, she needs one today” (I don’t usually appreciate my husband’s abrupt nature, but in this case I loved him for it.) The Dr. came in and said congratulations, and that she understood my anxiety. She commented that she was prepared to give me the extra TLC that this pregnancy requires. They were able to fit me in for an ultrasound after this session, and she indicated that even though she usually gives a lot of information on the first visit, she recognized that I was not in a position yet to hear it. I asked about whether or not I needed a maternal fetal medicine specialist due to my history, and she said that I was not high risk. I noted how I beleive the Lovenox is what is sustaining this pregnancy and that I am terrified to stop the injections. She agreed to let me stay on it for the duration of the pregnancy since doing so is no harm to me or the baby. She wished us well and we went into the ultrasound room. I laid on the table, gripping Jeff with one hand and clenching my other fist, waiting for impact. All we know is heartbreak – how can I expect this to actually be happening. Once the screen turned on we could see a flickering image and we both started crying. The baby was there, and we even got the chance to hear his/her perfect little heartbeat. We took our first photo as a family of three 🙂
The weeks that followed were not all sunshine and roses. While I felt amazing and was lucky enough to not experience morning sickness, I was consumed with fear and anxiety. We booked private ultrasounds for 10 weeks
and 12 weeks,
at a local center for reassurance that the baby was still there, and their heart was still beating. Each one was more amazing than the last, and I was able to breathe a little easier after each one. As the weeks passed, we informed our immediate family as well as closest friends, but that was all that we could handle right now.
At 13 weeks, Jeff was out of town so my mom came with me to the OB ultrasound. Baby was measuring on track and moving around like crazy! This was the absolute best Valentines gift I could have ever received.
At 15 weeks, Jeff was away again and I woke up to some bleeding. I lied (by omission) to him on the phone because I did not want to worry him when he would be sitting through meetings all day. I went into work and called my OB when they opened at 9 am. They mentioned that they had no staff available for an ultrasound that day but that I should go straight to the Woman and Infants ER to be checked. The fear and PTSD from my previous experience there came rushing back and I burst into tears. Fortunately, one of my most amazing friends at work kept me calm, and helped me get packed up to leave. I tried reminding myself not to worry until I was told there was something to worry about, but that was much easier said than done. Thankfully, I did not have to wait long before being brought into the exam room. I was met by a lovely nurse who took all of my vitals and heard our story about why I was so nervous. When the Dr. came in, she did a quick exam, and noted that the bleeding had stopped, and I would be heading down for an ultrasound any minute. The elevator down to the ultrasound room seemed like an eternity but once I laid down and the technician put the wand on my belly, she immediately informed me there was a heartbeat. I let out a sigh of relief and the tears began to fall. Thank you God. Returning to the room, a new nurse was in my room and hugged me as she told me that the previous nurses shift ended, but she wanted me to know that she told her about our story, and they were both praying for me. (The amount of kind, compassionate nursing staff that we have encountered through the years cannot be overlooked. These women are angels on earth who always go above and beyond to make me feel comfortable.) Once the Dr. arrived again, she said that everything looked great, but she did find a small subchorionic hematoma. This is a blood clot between the placenta and the uterus that generally goes away on its own, but we should be cautious and avoid strenuous activity and intercourse. She said that it is not something to worry about right now, and even with large blood clots, most women go on to have healthy babies. Once I was back in my car, I called Jeff to assure him that everything was okay,and apologized for lying.
Each week that passes, we seem to breathe just a little easier. It is just so hard to believe that after we have seen things fall apart for so long, that they are now falling into place. Every day that I wake up, I check the pregnancy app to see how far along we are, rewatch the video of the heartbeat, and thank God this is real. Although we have started telling more friends, I find it so hard to meet the excitement of their reactions (which I am so thankful for), because mine is a combination of joy and fear. I have also been asked about what I want for a baby shower. At first, I didn’t even want a shower because I felt so much guilt over receiving gifts for a baby when there are so many women out there who are selling homes or putting themselves in debt just to have a baby. I truly believe that the baby is the gift – that is what we want and need the most. Yet, if there is ever a baby that should be celebrated, it is this one. The one that took 3 and ½ years of blood, sweat and tears to create. So, Jeff and I have started talking about alternative ideas to a shower. I don’t love the idea of baby games and anything pink/blue, because I know how hard it was for me to attend these types of events, and I want to make it as guest friendly as possible. Rather than a shower, we would have some form of “Breakdown and Rally Brunch” or happy hour 🙂 But before we can even think about the details, we need to get through the anatomy scan. I am terrified that this could all be ripped away from us, and having confirmation that things are looking okay at the halfway point, would help me feel like I can accept this and begin to enjoy the pregnancy.
“Take all the time lost
All the days that I cost
Take what I took and
Give it back to you
All this time
We were waiting for each other
All this time
I was waiting for you
We got all these words
Can’t waste them on another
So I’m straight in a straight line
Running back to you”
All this Time by One Republic
breakdown and rally 