As the weeks progressed, I began researching adenomyosis and learning that although Braverman in NY had passed away, his counterpart, Dr Vidali was still running the operation. He is known as an endometriosis and adenomyosis specialist (expert). I started to wonder if it would be better for me to have him perform the surgery, so that he could weigh in on the possibility of endometriosis. We called the office and filled out the pages of paperwork. We sat with the idea of which surgery and surgeon to choose, and the possibility of being at the end of the road.
I was exhausted, my body was exhausted, and I did not know if I could even handle the thought of another loss in my own body.
Jeff told me that watching me in the physical pain of procedures, and the emotional pain of loss, was weighing on his heart, and he was fine with the idea of using a gestational carrier. I had reservations due to the amount of guilt I felt for costing our family over $100,000. I felt like a failure that my body kept letting us down, and losing our babies over and over again. I told him so many times that I know he wanted children, and I completely understood if he wanted to be with someone who could give that to him. I lost count of the amount of times I would cry in his arms on the couch, and apologize for what my body couldn’t do. Yet each time this happened, he found a new way to tell me that he married me, for better or for worse, and we were in this together. He reassured me that he never once blamed me, and no matter what we decided, he would always choose me.
It was in that moment that we made our decision. We canceled the adenomyosis surgery, ripped up the NY paperwork, and ultimately decided that we were done. I could not take one more loss in my own body. From now on, we would put all our energy into bringing our baby home in an alternative way- by using a gestational carrier.
“When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
speaking words of wisdom
let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
she is standing right in front of me
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.”
Let it Be by The Beatles
breakdown and rally 