If you have read this far, are you even surprised that we are now facing the added challenge of coronavirus?! Given our history of “bad luck,” the irony that we are now pregnant during a pandemic is not lost on us. I am thankful that Jeff and I both have jobs that allow us to work from home. I am thankful that both of our families and also our friends are taking this seriously. I am thankful I am pregnant. However, we now have to face the fact that Jeff is no longer allowed to come to any appointments with me right now, which includes the long anticipated anatomy scan. I am sad that he has come to just about every single (100+) appointment of blood draw, ultrasounds, consults, and surgeries while trying to have a baby, and now must miss out on the ones where we actually have one. It seems completely unfair to him, and I am devastated that he misses these special moments as a first time father. In addition, the thought of receiving bad news alone is too much to bear right now. I was anxious of this day even when I knew he would be by my side, and now I have to go through it alone.
March 23 arrived and he drove me to the appointment. I was not allowed to call him during the actual 35 minute ultrasound, but once the Dr. came in with the results, she allowed me to FaceTime him. “Everything looks great!!!” A huge weight is lifted and I feel like I can finally start to calm down (which the baby gave me a thumbs up at one point and I swear that was his/her way of telling me to relax). We know that we are just about halfway (18 1/2 weeks) and we need to start planning for this baby. While some of our conversations were about the baby room and things we would need, some of it was somber. What if Jeff can’t come with me to anything for the rest of the pregnancy? What if we cannot have any type of pseudo-shower to finally celebrate this baby? What if no one ever sees my pregnant belly? What if grandparents and close friends cannot come to the hospital? What if Jeff is not allowed in the delivery room (as was the case in NYC for some couples) What if no one can see the baby for weeks/months after he/she is here? These are all very real questions for very possible scenarios. It seems unfair that after three and a half years of heartache, we are now having to make concessions and sacrifices again. While this is a stressful time, we know that all we can do is once again, put our fate in the hands of science, luck, and God. We would love to believe that in 5 months things will be different, but we know that it is completely out of our control, and all we can really do is hope for the best, while preparing for the worst. I guess infertility has trained us for uncertainty and flexibility. 
While I know that my feelings around our sadness are justified, I also know that there are thousands of couples out there right now whose cycles and dreams have put on hold. Couples without insurance who have spent the year saving enough money for one shot at building their family. Couples who just experienced a loss and are eager to begin the next chapter. Women who were diagnosed with cancer and need to start fertility preservation before they begin treatment. Women who had plans to fly to the best clinics out of state or out of the country can no longer do that. IVF cycles have been canceled indefinitely and they are being asked to wait even longer for their family. So as sad as I am for our small sacrifices, my heart bleeds for them every time I read a post about a quarantine baby coming in 9 months. 
I also see many posts articulating how we can experience two opposing emotions at the same time. It is my hope that many can now understand that over the years it was completely possible for me to experience both happiness for others and sadness for myself. I never wished anyone to have to go through the struggles that we did, and I truly wished others the best on their path. The reality is that no one can ever predict what the future holds. We can plan with the best of intentions but if COVID-19 has taught us anything, its that “Everybody has a plan..until they get punched in the face”.
breakdown and rally 