Once we hit the halfway mark, we finally felt comfortably enough to take a deep breathe and acknowledge that this was really happening. I was finally pregnant.

We decided it was time to announce our pregnancy to everyone. I was hoping to be able to tell people in person. So many people had seen me at my worst for so long, I wanted them to experience our joy as well. Unfortunately, Covid-19 had other plans, so we decided that one giant social media post would have to suffice. Putting those words on the screen -we were expecting our miracle- seemed so surreal. I stared at the post over and over again, in awe at just how much we have been through.

Within seconds, the congratulation replies began flooding in. It was comforting to have so many friends, family, and acquaintances acknowledge our struggles and celebrate along with us.

A few days later, my mom notified us that we should be receiving a package on Saturday and to make sure we are home to accept it (not that we were going anywhere during a pandemic). On Saturday the 11th around noon, Jeff and I were cleaning out our basement (nesting) and my mom came over to tell us to go outside. She put two chairs in the front lawn and some signs to celebrate our amazing news! A parade of cars started honking their horns and driving past. After feeling like we were fighting a losing battle alone for so long, it was nice to have the support of family and friends behind us.

“She says: We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got
‘Cause it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not
We’ve got each other and that’s a lot for love –
We’ll give it a shot

Wooah
We’re half way there
Woah-oh
Livin’ on a prayer
Take my hand and we’ll make it
I swear, livin’ on a prayer”

If you have read this far, are you even surprised that we are now facing the added challenge of coronavirus?! Given our history of “bad luck,” the irony that we are now pregnant during a pandemic is not lost on us.  I am thankful that Jeff and I both have jobs that allow us to work from home. I am thankful that both of our families and also our friends are taking this seriously.  I am thankful I am pregnant.  However, we now have to face the fact that Jeff is no longer allowed to come to any appointments with me right now, which includes the long anticipated anatomy scan.  I am sad that he has come to just about every single (100+) appointment of blood draw, ultrasounds, consults, and surgeries while trying to have a baby, and now must miss out on the ones where we actually have one. It seems completely unfair to him, and I am devastated that he misses these special moments as a first time father.  In addition, the thought of receiving bad news alone is too much to bear right now.  I was anxious of this day even when I knew he would be by my side, and now I have to go through it alone.

March 23 arrived and he drove me to the appointment.  I was not allowed to call him during the actual 35  minute ultrasound, but once the Dr. came in with the results, she allowed me to FaceTime him. “Everything looks great!!!” A huge weight is lifted and I feel like I can finally start to calm down (which the baby gave me a thumbs up at one point and I swear that was his/her way of telling me to relax).  We know that we are just about halfway (18 1/2 weeks) and we need to start planning for this baby.  While some of our conversations were about the baby room and things we would need, some of it was somber. What if Jeff can’t come with me to anything for the rest of the pregnancy? What if we cannot have any type of pseudo-shower to finally celebrate this baby? What if no one ever sees my pregnant belly?  What if grandparents and close friends cannot come to the hospital? What if Jeff is not allowed in the delivery room (as was the case in NYC for some couples) What if no one can see the baby for weeks/months after he/she is here? These are all very real questions for very possible scenarios.  It seems unfair that after three and a half years of heartache, we are now having to make concessions and sacrifices again.  While this is a stressful time, we know that all we can do is once again, put our fate in the hands of science, luck, and God. We would love to believe that in 5 months things will be different, but we know that it is completely out of our control, and all we can really do is hope for the best, while preparing for the worst.  I guess infertility has trained us for uncertainty and flexibility.

 

While I know that my feelings around our sadness are justified, I also know that there are thousands of couples out there right now whose cycles and dreams have put on hold.  Couples without insurance who have spent the year saving enough money for one shot at building their family.  Couples who just experienced a loss and are eager to begin the next chapter.  Women who were diagnosed with cancer and need to start fertility preservation before they begin treatment.  Women who had plans to fly to the best clinics out of state or out of the country can no longer do that.  IVF cycles have been canceled indefinitely and they are being asked to wait even longer for their family. So as sad as I am for our small sacrifices, my heart bleeds for them every time I read a post about a quarantine baby coming in 9 months.

I also see many posts articulating how we can experience two opposing emotions at the same time.  It is my hope that many can now understand that over the years it was completely possible for me to experience both happiness for others and sadness for myself.  I never wished anyone to have to go through the struggles that we did, and I truly wished others the best on their path.  The reality is that no one can ever predict what the future holds.  We can plan with the best of intentions but if COVID-19 has taught us anything, its that “Everybody has a plan..until they get punched in the face”.

The ten day wait from clinic to OB appointment seemed like an eternity because I kept dreading the thought that the baby would just disappear. The day finally arrived, and after a 45 minute wait, they called us into the room and immediately asked us to sign consents for delivery. The nurse handed me a booklet on pregnancy and said, “You look nervous, are you okay?” I burst into tears and begged, “I’m terrified! Can we just have an ultrasound to make sure the baby is still there?” The nurse said that we did not have one scheduled, and Jeff told her we needed one. She said they would try to get me in this week, and Jeff said, “No, she needs one today” (I don’t usually appreciate my husband’s abrupt nature, but in this case I loved him for it.) The Dr. came in and said congratulations, and that she understood my anxiety. She commented that she was prepared to give me the extra TLC that this pregnancy requires. They were able to fit me in for an ultrasound after this session, and she indicated that even though she usually gives a lot of information on the first visit, she recognized that I was not in a position yet to hear it. I asked about whether or not I needed a maternal fetal medicine specialist due to my history, and she said that I was not high risk. I noted how I beleive the Lovenox is what is sustaining this pregnancy and that I am terrified to stop the injections. She agreed to let me stay on it for the duration of the pregnancy since doing so is no harm to me or the baby. She wished us well and we went into the ultrasound room. I laid on the table, gripping Jeff with one hand and clenching my other fist, waiting for impact. All we know is heartbreak – how can I expect this to actually be happening. Once the screen turned on we could see a flickering image and we both started crying. The baby was there, and we even got the chance to hear his/her perfect little heartbeat. We took our first photo as a family of three 🙂

The weeks that followed were not all sunshine and roses. While I felt amazing and was lucky enough to not experience morning sickness, I was consumed with fear and anxiety. We booked private ultrasounds for 10 weeks

and 12 weeks,

at a local center for reassurance that the baby was still there, and their heart was still beating. Each one was more amazing than the last, and I was able to breathe a little easier after each one. As the weeks passed, we informed our immediate family as well as closest friends, but that was all that we could handle right now.

At 13 weeks, Jeff was out of town so my mom came with me to the OB ultrasound. Baby was measuring on track and moving around like crazy! This was the absolute best Valentines gift I could have ever received.

At 15 weeks, Jeff was away again and I woke up to some bleeding. I lied (by omission) to him on the phone because I did not want to worry him when he would be sitting through meetings all day. I went into work and called my OB when they opened at 9 am. They mentioned that they had no staff available for an ultrasound that day but that I should go straight to the Woman and Infants ER to be checked. The fear and PTSD from my previous experience there came rushing back and I burst into tears. Fortunately, one of my most amazing friends at work kept me calm, and helped me get packed up to leave. I tried reminding myself not to worry until I was told there was something to worry about, but that was much easier said than done. Thankfully, I did not have to wait long before being brought into the exam room. I was met by a lovely nurse who took all of my vitals and heard our story about why I was so nervous. When the Dr. came in, she did a quick exam, and noted that the bleeding had stopped, and I would be heading down for an ultrasound any minute. The elevator down to the ultrasound room seemed like an eternity but once I laid down and the technician put the wand on my belly, she immediately informed me there was a heartbeat. I let out a sigh of relief and the tears began to fall. Thank you God. Returning to the room, a new nurse was in my room and hugged me as she told me that the previous nurses shift ended, but she wanted me to know that she told her about our story, and they were both praying for me. (The amount of kind, compassionate nursing staff that we have encountered through the years cannot be overlooked. These women are angels on earth who always go above and beyond to make me feel comfortable.) Once the Dr. arrived again, she said that everything looked great, but she did find a small subchorionic hematoma. This is a blood clot between the placenta and the uterus that generally goes away on its own, but we should be cautious and avoid strenuous activity and intercourse. She said that it is not something to worry about right now, and even with large blood clots, most women go on to have healthy babies. Once I was back in my car, I called Jeff to assure him that everything was okay,and apologized for lying.

Each week that passes, we seem to breathe just a little easier. It is just so hard to believe that after we have seen things fall apart for so long, that they are now falling into place. Every day that I wake up, I check the pregnancy app to see how far along we are, rewatch the video of the heartbeat, and thank God this is real. Although we have started telling more friends, I find it so hard to meet the excitement of their reactions (which I am so thankful for), because mine is a combination of joy and fear. I have also been asked about what I want for a baby shower. At first, I didn’t even want a shower because I felt so much guilt over receiving gifts for a baby when there are so many women out there who are selling homes or putting themselves in debt just to have a baby. I truly believe that the baby is the gift – that is what we want and need the most. Yet, if there is ever a baby that should be celebrated, it is this one. The one that took 3 and ½ years of blood, sweat and tears to create. So, Jeff and I have started talking about alternative ideas to a shower. I don’t love the idea of baby games and anything pink/blue, because I know how hard it was for me to attend these types of events, and I want to make it as guest friendly as possible. Rather than a shower, we would have some form of “Breakdown and Rally Brunch” or happy hour 🙂 But before we can even think about the details, we need to get through the anatomy scan. I am terrified that this could all be ripped away from us, and having confirmation that things are looking okay at the halfway point, would help me feel like I can accept this and begin to enjoy the pregnancy.

“Take all the time lost
All the days that I cost
Take what I took and
Give it back to you
All this time
We were waiting for each other
All this time
I was waiting for you
We got all these words
Can’t waste them on another
So I’m straight in a straight line
Running back to you”

All this Time by One Republic

We had one more appointment with our clinic to talk about our current status. Dr. L noted that although the previous specialist suggested a uterine surgery to clear adenomyosis, she did not agree with that assessment. She said that any surgery to the uterus can prove to be risky because it could damage the uterine lining.  She also stated that his notes indicated that he had retracted the remaining 5% of scar tissue from my uterus, therefore the issue of scar tissue was finally (after 7 months) resolved.  She suggested that prior to moving on to a gestational carrier, perhaps we try one more time in my uterus, since it was now cleared. She still recommended a natural transfer with embryo glue and Lovenox, and was confident that was worth a try. We decided that before spending tens of thousands to over a hundred thousand dollars on a carrier (either from the agency or a friend) we would give this Dr. and this clinic one chance with one embryo. The only thing I needed to do was call the clinic when my next cycle was here.

In the past, we have always been so excited leading up to transfer day. However, we knew all too well how that excitement can come crashing down, and therefore we treated this one differently. We viewed this transfer as another step in the process, one that allowed us to say that we truly tried everything, before finally closing this chapter, and moving on to a gestational carrier.

Around this time, a co-worker bought we a beautiful prayer shawl from her church, that included a sweet prayer.  It made me smile, not only because she thought of me, but also because the priest whose name was on it was our former priest. 

Before we knew it, my cycle started sooner than I had anticipated.
11/23 – go in for bloodwork to prove I am not pregnant to start.
11/25 – go in for bloodwork (progesteron, estradiol, and LH surge to check for ovulation)
and ultrasound to monitor follicles. I get the phone call in the afternoon that says come back in two days.
11/27 – go in for bloodwork (progesteron, estradiol, and LH surge to check for ovulation)
and ultrasound to monitor follicles. I get the phone call in the afternoon that says in exactly one week, take your trigger shot at night, start progesterone suppositories on 11/30, and transfer is scheduled for 12/4 in Waltham. I am amazed that this is all it takes! Every other transfer seemed so cumbersome and invasive.

We booked our hotel for 12/3, so that we were close to the clinic and ready the next morning. This time we were both feeling exhausted, and decided to just stop for a pizza instead of a fancy dinner on the North End. After our pizza date, Jeff stopped to buy a powerball ticket at a small gas station, and we made our way to the hotel. We fell asleep easily and the next morning Jeff woke up early to get some work done. It was time for my first Lovenox injection, and I read stories about it feeling like a bee sting and leaving massive bruises. Jeff went and got me some hotel ice wrapped in a plastic bag, as I tried to talk psych myself up for the injection. 3-2-1-ouch! I can understand the bee sting analogy, and I think I would agree.

We took a few pictures in the hotel in anticipation and made our way to the clinic early so I could enjoy 30 minutes of acupuncture.

Once I was finished, we waited in the lobby for only a few minutes.  They called us into the room, and the nurse came in to direct me to “undress from the waste down.” When she returned, I was sitting on the table and the Doctor and the embryologist reviewed my bracelet and embryo thawing paper to ensure that I was in fact the correct recipient of our embryo. I laid back as the catheter went in, and we watched on the screen (for the 5th time) the amazing science of an embryo being placed inside my uterus. The moment that it lands, you can see a flash of white light, and the Dr. removes the catheter and gives it to the embryologist to check under a microscope to confirm the embryo is no longer in there. Then, they wished us luck, and sent us on our way with the first embryo picture we have ever received.  We are officially 2 weeks and 5 days pregnant.

Before leaving the clinic, I relaxed for 30 more minutes in the acupuncture center, and then we headed home…to wait the dreaded ten days until beta day.  During those days, I prayed to God that if his answer was not a “yes”, then could he please make it a quick “no” because I don’t know if my heart could handle any version of limbo.

“You’re broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can’t find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I’ll rise up
I’ll rise like the day
I’ll rise up
I’ll rise unafraid
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousand times again
And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousands times again
For you
For you“

Rise Up by Andra Day

Jeff called the surrogacy agency, and asked for an estimate of how much longer they anticipated our wait, and they approximated 4-6 weeks.  Although it was more waiting, it was exciting to know that the plan was in motion. We wanted so desperately to be connected with someone as close to Rhode Island as possible, which would provide the opportunity to be able to attend as many appointments as possible. In the event that we were matched with someone further away, it was our responsibility (on top of the already high price tag of $100,000) to fly to them to meet them in person, fly them and provide hotel stay for them to be screened at our clinic, fly them and provide hotel stay for them the day of transfer, and fly us out for as many appointments as possible, as well as staying near their hospital 2 weeks prior to and after the birth of the baby. We also began joking about the ways that we could document our pregnancy in someone else’s body. Maybe I could post myself with a glass of wine, and label it #16 weeks. Maybe I could have a shower that would be a wine tasting!

I came to terms with the fact that I will not carry our baby. I came to terms with the fact that I will not be able to attempt breastfeeding. I just long for the day that I can see our baby’s heartbeat on an ultrasound, even if it’s not in my belly.

Jeff and I had a consultation with the gestational carrier nurse at our clinic, who advised us about the process of creating embryos that are “FDA approved.” Fortunately, we were proactive and our embryos met all requirements!

In the middle of October, an old friend reached out, and said that she would be willing to carry for us. I was completely shocked that someone would be willing to give up their body for ten+ months, in order to help us grow our family. I did not want to get my hopes up, and I wanted to make sure that I could accurately describe all that this process would entail. We agreed to meet for dinner, and while it was important for me to communicate every piece of info I could think of, it was equally important to me that I never made her feel like this was something that she had to do, or that I would be angry in any way if she changed her mind at any point leading up to the contracts. She was amazing in every way and truly wanted to help.  She listened to our whole story and cried as I explained how I just want to be a mom.  She voiced how amazing she felt the day her baby(s) were born, and she could not imagine someone not being able to experience those same feelings. We left that dinner with the understanding that she was going to discuss this with her family and research the process, and I was available to answer any questions that she had. I walked to my car with tears in my eyes knowing that even if this never came to fruition, there was a human being out there who was selfless enough to even consider this. No matter what, I am in awe of her character and generosity.

Over the next two weeks, we went back and forth texting each other with questions and answers. Although we did not pressure this person in giving us an answer in any way, we did communicate that time was of the essence because we were scheduled to be matched through the agency in the next few weeks. In the event that they called us with matches, we would have to respond to them within 72 hours. If we said no, they would skip over us, and we would lose our $1,000 deposit. If we say yes to the agency, we have to pay the next installment of $12,000. We did ask that if this person was still considering the idea of being our carrier, we had to start the process of insurance review soon, while also noting that nothing was written in stone, and she could still say no at any time. She followed through with every request right away and was always willing to do anything that it took to help us start our family. While I tried so hard not to get my hopes up at the thought of having a friend (whom I know and trust) carry our baby here in RI, and being able to be there for the whole process, I couldn’t help but envision how amazing this would be.

Since our last baby (who we learned was a boy) was due on October 12, Jeff knew this was an emotional time for me. He planned a “Fall Fun Road Trip” of my most favorite things: Chris Stapleton, Zac Brown, and the Patriots”. I flew on October 31 to meet him in Charlotte (where he had a work meeting). My connecting flight from Baltimore was delayed and I ended up making friends with strangers at the airport while I waited several hours. I finally flew out around midnight and Jeff picked me up in Charlotte around 1:30am. We stayed the night there, and then drove to Greenville, South Carolina the next morning for a Chris Stapleton concert. I heard him sing a new and AMAZING song called “Starting Over,” and it resonated with me so much during this time.

The next morning we woke up, had the most delicious biscuits and gravy, and drove to Atlanta, Georgia for Zac Brown’s Southern Ground fundraiser in a small venue. It was a once a lifetime concert venue, and I was mesmerized by how close we were and how intimate the performance was!  As we were leaving, I suggested to Jeff that we watch the tour bus drive away, and all of a sudden he came out to shake our hands! I was star struck and could barely get any words out of my mouth, but we did manage a few pictures!

The next morning we woke up, and flew to Baltimore for the Patriots game!

They did lose, but we still love watching them live and seeing other stadiums!

“Well the road rolls out like a welcome mat
to a better place then the one where at
And I ain’t got no kind of plan
I’ve had all of this town I can stand
I’ve got friends out on the coast
We can jump in the water and see what floats
We’ve been saving for a rainy day
Let’s beat this storm and be on our way
Oh it doesn’t matter to me
Where we are is where I wanna be
And honey, for once in our life lets take our chances and roll the dice
I can be your lucky penny
You can be my four leaf clover
Starting over
This might not be any easy time
There’s rivers to cross and hills to climb
Some days we might fall apart
And some nights might feel cold and dark
Nobody wins afraid of losing
And the hard roads are the ones worth choosing
Someday we’ll look back at smile
And hope it was worth every mile”

Starting Over by Chris Stapleton

As the weeks progressed, I began researching adenomyosis and learning that although Braverman in NY had passed away, his counterpart, Dr Vidali was still running the operation.  He is known as an endometriosis and adenomyosis specialist (expert). I started to wonder if it would be better for me to have him perform the surgery, so that he could weigh in on the possibility of endometriosis.  We called the office and filled out the pages of paperwork. We sat with the idea of which surgery and surgeon to choose, and the possibility of being at the end of the road.

I was exhausted, my body was exhausted, and I did not  know if I could even handle the thought of another loss in my own body.

Jeff told me that watching me in the physical pain of procedures, and the emotional pain of loss, was weighing on his heart, and he was fine with the idea of using a gestational carrier.  I had reservations due to the amount of guilt I felt for costing our family over $100,000. I felt like a failure that my body kept letting us down, and losing our babies over and over again. I told him so many times that I know he wanted children, and I completely understood if he wanted to be with someone who could give that to him.  I lost count of the amount of times I would cry in his arms on the couch, and apologize for what my body couldn’t do. Yet each time this happened, he found a new way to tell me that he married me, for better or for worse, and we were in this together. He reassured me that he never once blamed me, and no matter what we decided, he would always choose me.

It was in that moment that we made our decision.  We canceled the adenomyosis surgery, ripped up the NY paperwork, and ultimately decided that we were done.  I could not take one more loss in my own body.  From now on, we would put all our energy into bringing our baby home in an alternative way- by using a gestational carrier.

“When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
speaking words of wisdom
let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
she is standing right in front of me
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.”

Let it Be by The Beatles

https://youtu.be/7P6X3IWLECY?start=10&end=53s

Once again, Jeff and I did not want to risk traffic, and we decided to turn our lemons into lemonade by going up to Boston the night before for a date night.  The hotels have increased pricing again so we found ourselves staying at Hotel Indigo. Once we checked in, I started looking through my binder of paperwork (this initially started as a folder but after 3 years it slowly transitioned into a binder that barely closes).  Although we never wanted to know the gender of the embryos that we had transferred and lost, we decided that we would peak at that paperwork now because we needed some closure on those chapters: 3 girls and 1 boy.  I cried and Jeff comforted me. Although they never made it earthside, I know that someday these babies will be waiting for us in heaven.

When we arrived at the waiting room of the clinic the next morning, I was beyond eager to hear from this expert who women raved about.  I wanted to pop the Valium immediately, but Jeff kept advising that I should wait because we had no way of knowing how long it would be until the actual procedure started.  I rolled the dice and popped it anyway.

We were called in by the Physician’s Assistant, who walked us into a small office, and asked me to tell her why we were there.  I described the last three years of shattered dreams and failures with detail, and probably for the first time ever I could say it all without crying.  When I finished, she asked me if I was in the medical field, and when I replied, “No,” she was shocked.  She stated that I was incredibly thorough and knowledgeable, and able to articulate our case in a professional way.   I guess all of the loss we have experienced strengthened me in ways that I never could have imagined.

“The night is my companion
And the highway is my home
Got me seeking for one last beacon
Every single place I roam
They say Jesus was a poor man
I guess I wish I had a little more him in me
Make it easier going on living
Heartache and misery
Sweet, sweet heart of mine I’m going to break again a million times
Is this true or gone
Have you turned to stone?”

Have you turned to stone by Whiskey Myers

Upon our return, I attempted to schedule my hysteroscopy when my cycle came, but unfortunately they were completely booked that day.  I had to wait another month for the next cycle to start.  

September 11th was our scheduled date for hysteroscopy.  Like the egg retrieval, we decided to head to Boston the night before for a nice dinner in the North End.  This time however, there were no available hotels. There was some kind of Biotech conference taking place, and the hotel that previously cost us $150 on a Saturday was now $600 on a Tuesday night.  Jeff did some research and we were able to score a $300 night stay at a place called “Crescent Suites Hotel.” We could hear the people in the next room talking about a friend getting out of jail soon, but other than that the place was lovely. 

We made it to the surgery center in plenty of time and I was fully prepared with what to expect. 

When I woke up, I was in the all too familiar recovery section, and had a lovely nurse waiting for me.  My blood pressure kept dropping so she had to keep coming back to check on me more frequently. Once Jeff came in to join me, Dr. L came to give us the news.  

Scar tissue is still present.  While she usually waits until the third hysteroscopy of scar tissue to refer the patient to an Asherman specialist, she felt that in our case we should go now.  Given our long history, she did not want to waste any time, and also understood how crucial it is for me to have as much information as possible. She recommended Dr. I in Boston.  Once I arrived home, I began researching him, and discovered that women fly in from around the country (and some parts of the world) for his expertise. I felt hopeful that he may be able to help, and we scheduled an appointment with him on October 1st.  I also learned that he performs the hysteroscopy in the office, while the patient is awake, and this can be quite painful. Dr. L is willing to prescribe Valium to help with the pain. 

“Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can’t tell where the journey will end…
but I know where to start
They tell me Im too young to understand
They say Im caught up in a dream
Well life will pas me by if I don’t open up my eyes
Well tarts fine by me
So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost…”

Wake Me Up by Avicii

During this time of waiting, we tried to make the most of our summer as possible.

We went to a Rolling Stones concert.

We had amazing club seats for a Sox game behind home plate.

We went a little overboard on wine tasting with friends.

At some point around Thursday July 18th, Jeff learned that he had to be in LA for a work meeting on Tuesday. Since he would be flying out for free, I have the companion pass (which means i fly with him for free), and Southwest now flies to Hawaii, we came up with the genius idea to go to Hawaii for 5 nights! We did not have much time to plan, but we were able to secure flights and book the same hotel as our honeymoon! This was an incredibly crazy idea but we thought, “Why not?! When will we get this chance again?!” We spent 2 two nights in Saratoga with some friends at the race track, and tubing during the hottest days of the summer

We returned home on Sunday just in time to wash laundry and pack for LA (then Hawaii) the following morning!
This was truly the most amazing vacation, and it felt like the chance to relive the honeymoon (without coming home to a miscarraige that would crush our spirits). We embraced this trip with our new outlook on life of trying our best to live in the moment, and enjoy the breathtaking views even more the second time around.

“So we live out in our old van
travel all across this land
me and you
and we’ll end up hand in hand somewhere on the sand
just me and you
just as free
free as we’ll ever be
just as free“

Free by Zac Brown Band

The day finally came for us begin IVF Cycle #4. The protocol was similar to the ones I have done in the past, but instead of priming with birth control, I used estrogen patches.
June 10th – I have to go to the clinic for baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. Leave the house at 7:05, arrive at the clinic for 7:30 open, blood finally drawn at 8:03. I barely made it to work on time.
The clinic called me later to tell me that they found another cyst on my only remaining ovary, and before we can proceed, I need to go for a pelvic ultrasound that night at the hospital. This seemed all too familiar as our first go around, and I was terrified they would postpone this cycle and send me back to an oncologist.
Fortunately, this cyst was small enough to proceed and just something I will have to monitor over time.
On June 11th, we began high follistim and low menopur (which I was skeptical about in the beginning and did question, but ultimately decided to put faith in the new clinic – which was difficult to do).
June 12th-14th – continue medication
June 15th – bloodwork and ultrasound, continue medication and add in Ganirelix
June 16th – continue medication
June 17th – bloodwork and ultrasound, continue medication
June 18th – continue medication
June 19th- bloodwork and ultrasound, continue medication
June 20th – bloodwork and ultrasound, continue medication
June 21st – bloodwork and ultrasound – I have 9 follicles between 19 and 24.6, and my estradiol is 1962 – I take my trigger shot that night and egg retrieval is scheduled for Sunday the 23rd!

Since we barely made it last time due to the crazy early morning traffic, we decided to head to Boston the night before, have a nice Italian dinner in the North End, and then stay over at a hotel in close proximity to the surgery center.
We had to arrive early because we each had to have our blood drawn (FDA virals), in order to make sure our embryos are cleared to use in a gestational carrier – in the event that we need to go down that path.
When I layed down on the table, the last thing I remembered was a kind nurse holding my hand and saying, “Good luck.” I woke up in recovery, and was suffering in a bit of pain. I received pain meds, crackers, and juice; the post procedure meal of infertiles. Jeff came in and we are eager to find out how many eggs we retrieved because our follicle numbers seemed to be the best ones yet!
Nine eggs retrieved. I can’t help but feel slightly disappointed because in the past we have had ten or fourteen. We just have to wait and get the call the next day to find out how many eggs were mature and how many fertilized.

I made another visual to keep track of how my eggs progress into embryos.

Eight mature.
Eight fertilized.
This clinic does not inform you of daily updates, rather you have to wait the full five/six days to find out if any make it to the blastocyst stage. Normally, I have not had any 5 day blastocysts, only day 6 (which is still okay, but day 5 is better and stronger).
On the 5th day, Jeff and I were driving in the car and the clinic called unexpectedly. We had four day 5 blastocysts, and they were waiting on two more that could possibly make it the next day! This was incredible! The next day we had two more!
Six embryos will be sent out for genetic testing! This is amazing!
Two week passed by, and we received the call that four embryos came back normal! We were absolutely thrilled!! Going through IVF is such a long, painful, emotional, tedious, journey, and the fact that we were able to give ourselves four chances of bringing a baby home in one cycle was truly a dream!

(At our previous clinic, we had 2, 1, 3 so 4 was incredible!)

“Some dreams stay with you forever,
Drag you around but bring you back to where you were
Some dreams keep on gettin’ better,
Gotta keep believin’ if you wanna know for sure
Oh, I can hear em playin’
I can hear the ringin of a beat up ol’ guitar
Oh, I can hear em singin’,
“Keep on dreamin’, even if it breaks your heart”

Even if It Breaks Your Heart by Eli Young Band